Today’s the 100th day since my dear grandmother passed away.
To say that I miss her is an understatement.
Each time when I think of her, I feel like an invisible knife cutting through my heart. My eyes would still tear up.
What do I think of when I think of her?
Her kind and frail smile, her in the wheelchair in the last few years, her enjoying crabs, durian, chicken feet, ice cream even when she can no longer walk or clean herself up, her giving a nice approval of “mmhmm” when I hug her tight.
I have so many regrets.
I wished I spent more quality time with her – especially after I left China and went back to Malaysia end of last year. I had all the time in the world. And yet. I wished when I did spend time with her, I was really present, and not be there just because. And definitely not to set a time limit with her – even when she often complains that she wants to sleep (I secretly think she feels bad for thinking she’s troubling us).
I wished I didn’t lose my patience with her – especially when I used to drop her at her friend’s Aunty Ah Oi’s place years ago and when she walked slow.
I wished I played more mahjong with her, read to her (I only did so three days before she passed on), washed her hair (only did so the day before she passed on), ate with her, took her for walks on her wheelchair around our neighbourhood, and just be there with her.
I wished I talked to her, like really talked to her, and asked her questions about her childhood – not just the “formality” ones like how is she, is she hungry, what does she feel like eating. I wished I persisted in teasing her even when she tells me to not kacau her.
My dearest Ah Ma, I love you and will always and forever carry you in my heart and soul.
Thank you for loving me the way you did.
I vow to continue to be a good and noble person, one who will make you proud.
More importantly, I vow to treasure my loved ones while they are still alive, and not wait till it’s too late to do so.
Most importantly, I vow to not take life so seriously and live life a little lighter.
Speaking her mind 